i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
