I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
