Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
