First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
