were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
