Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
