Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
