I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
