Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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