I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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