I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
