I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
