This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
