come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
