I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
