Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
