I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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