you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
