I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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