Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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