I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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