i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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