My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
