Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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