im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
