Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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