just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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