I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
