Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
