It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
