I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
