I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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