In the future we'll all be gay
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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