Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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