i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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