I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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