There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
