My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He passed out mid-signature
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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