remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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