No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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