now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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