there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
