I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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