i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
