i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
