It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
