i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
