I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
