After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
