Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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