i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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